Emak Juga Manusia

Saat kusentuh halus,
Kau pun tahu kau ada,
Kubelai dengan lembut kau tahu kusayang..

Remember this song?
An old commercial from J&J that somehow sticks on my mind.

Oh how they look so perfect. The mom and the baby. They look happy, they smile to each other. It really make you go... Ohhhhh

It looks so easy, doesn't it?

That's how it is supposed to be. A mother and her kid. Bonded. Happy. Healthy. Smiley faces all around.
That's when you made the promise, that you'll do the best for your kid because afterall she/he deserves only the very best.
That's when you vow that he/she will grow up to be a healthy strong kid. Hence you will always provide her/him with healthy food. No more junk food, ever again! Eventhough it means you have to wake up at the crack of dawn to prepare food for them before you go to work.
That's when you told yourself you will be a better person, a better parent, a better you.
That's' when you promise yourself, that you will never let anything harm your kid.
That everything will be under control. No, let me repeat. Under your control.

But then... dzzzzz.... Rtttt..
Like an old broken movie, suddenly the scene changed.. Reality hits. Hard.

• Your kid doesn't like the spinach-brocolli-steamed-salmon-cheese-pasta that you made for like.. hours. she spat it out, she threw the bowl up side down until it's all over the floor... and your new dress!
• ...and she choose a happy meal instead.
• She has colic, she cries for days. You've called the doctor, you've tried any remedies you know, but there's nothing you can do but wait until it goes away while watching your baby suffer in pain.
• She doesn't want to brush her teeth 3 times a day, so you settle for once... every other day !
• You watch her play happily and suddenly she fell, she bled.. and as if your guilt is not enough to punish yourself, everyone blamed you for 'letting your kid get hurt'
• She yells, and screams, and hits you, and you think she was born in a jungle.
• You look at her classmate's lunch box, an oh-so-perfect-bento-made-by-her-oh-so-perfect-mom... then you look at yr own kid's box: a soggy peanut-butter and jelly. Gulp!
• You saw her got bullied, and there's nothing you can do
• In one of that 'bad' day, you yelled at her, and she cried. And you feel soooo guilty, you promise yourself it will never happened again. Ever!
• ... but it did. You yelled at her, again!
• ..and again...
• She yells, and screams, and hits you (again), this time in public. And everyone eyed you as if you are the worst mom on the planet.

Then.. it starts to get too much and you begin to question your ability as a mother.

Am I a good mother?
Can I do this?
What a terrible mom I am!

Oh the guilt... the worry...
Believe me, I know!
I remember a quote from a series I saw on TV. Dont exactly remember the exact wording, but it goes like this
'when you become a parent, there's this tiny scar in your heart where You will always feel the worry and the guilt.. those feelings will follow you everywhere. They will always be there'

Great, now i realize i'm not the only one. There are other 'phsyco', 'crazy', 'trying-to-be-a-better-mom moms' outhere too! Mommies who wanna give the best and only the best for their kids but in the process got a bit too 'excited' and end up getting overwhelmed...

So now I don't try to deny them. I just accept those feelings..

Yeah I made mistakes, and how I wish I could change many things I've done (or not done) in the past with her. But last time I check, I don't have a super power to turn back time. So all I can do is just do my best, accept help when I need it, and surrender everything else to the Almighty. Because I believe, as much as I love her, she is part of the bigger plan, and that she has to live her own life...

I now realize, I dont have to be a 'perfect mom'. I dont have to justify my self to others. I dont have to punish my self for mistakes I made.

But still the guilt and worry lingers - remember, I told you they will never go away -

Luckily, I do have one cure. When I hit rock bottom, all I need to do is just look at my daughter. When I see her smile, dance, doing her silly things, learning. I realized I was not doing that bad.

Afterall, emak juga manusia.